


Not Meant To Be

by erinjeager (orphan_account)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Explicit Language, M/M, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-03
Updated: 2014-06-19
Packaged: 2018-01-14 10:25:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1262818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/erinjeager
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Soulmate AU in the modern day where people are connected to their soulmates via their dreams. Everyone’s dreams vary, some can see each other and even communicate with each other, and others forget things when they wake up, etc. There are many businesses and websites on finding and connecting soulmates and Eren has no leads on who his could be, so in his continued efforts to find his one true love he signs onto a soulmate search website and is matched with Jean, who pretends to be his soulmate. Things get pretty angsty in later chapters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Last Chrysanthemum

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing anything creative in a long time so please forgive me for any mistakes in my writing. I hope you enjoy it and all criticism is welcome.
> 
> Jean's part is next and I'm super excited for it. I hope you stick around for it!

“Had it a reason for delay,

Dreaming in witlessness

That for a bloom so delicately gay

Winter would stay its stress?”

-          Thomas Hardy

 

Chapter 1

Eren reached into the cabinet, grabbed a box of tea and pulled out a single pack from it. His eyes felt strained and dry, he had been sorting through the files on his computer for hours now. Although he felt sufficiently tired, he poured himself a cup of sleepytime out of habit. Eren walked out from the kitchen and into his bedroom, setting the cup down on the nightstand and crawling under the messy covers. Once settled, he grabbed the cup and wrapped his fingers around the mug, absorbing its warmth as he took a quick sip. He set the drink aside and reached over to his laptop.

He opened the top, taking another sip of his tea as the machine started up. He logged on and checked his work email first just to make sure everything was in order. Once he finished making sure his cloud was updated, he opened a new window. Into the url box he typed, “findyoursoulmate” dot com. Eren felt his face turn red as he hit enter, waiting in anticipation and anxiety as the page loaded.

He didn’t want to stoop down to this level of desperation, and it wasn’t like he was in any rush to find his soulmate, but he was so damn _curious_. He wanted to believe that there was at least a hope, since none of his friends seemed to have any leads. Once he was logged on he checked for any positive matches and his heart jumped a little when a little red bubble with a white “1” was over his notifications.

Eren clicked the link, his head leaning closer to the screen in anticipation. As soon as the page opened, he read the new notification. His eyes stared at the title of the message and he smiled, “You have 1 new match!”

Taking a nice, big gulp of his tea, Eren opened the message.

Hi Eren Jeager,

You have 1 new soulmate match: Jean Kirstein. Click to see your soulmate’s profile!

The name, which Eren decided sounded kind of pretentious,  was hyperlinked to his profile. He went to his profile and stared at Jean’s face, trying to memorize his features. He closed his laptop and set it aside, imagining Jean’s face as he drifted off to sleep. He could only hope that tonight he would find him.

 

 

The ringing of Eren’s alarm jolted him awake. He threw his arm out, slamming the snooze button with his hand. He sighed, opened his eyes and saw the red light of his clock flash the time, 8:30 AM. Once again, he didn’t dream of anything that night. The last thing Eren remembered was falling asleep and thinking about Jean’s face. He lifted himself out of bed, feeling disappointment crawl its way into his heart like a worm as he went to go brush his teeth.

 

 

“You found your soulmate?” Armin called from Eren’s couch, his voice echoing across the hallway and into the kitchen where Eren was preparing grilled cheeses for lunch.

“No, I said I have a match on that dumb website you sent me,” Eren called back, putting the hot sandwhiches on plates and walking over to Armin.

“So you found your soulmate,” Armin retorted as he took a plate from Eren.

“No,” Eren said as he sat down next to the blonde, “He wasn’t my soulmate. I still didn’t have any dream last night.”

“Nothing?”

“I just remember falling asleep and before I know it, it’s 8 in the morning and I have an appointment in an hour to worry about.” Eren sounded exasperated as he bit into a mouthful of cheese.

“Man, that sucks. Is he hot at least?” Armin asked and only laughed as Eren punched him on the shoulder.

“Shut up dude, I’m serious here,”

“Excuse me, you should be addressing me as ‘doctor’, don’t you think?” Armin huffed as he finished off his sandwhich.

“Thanks _Dr._ Arlert, for your useless impromptu dream thearapy sessions.” Eren rolled his eyes.

“I’m kidding, don’t you dare say my sessions are useless. I help people find their soulmates, and I’ll hep you find yours too, I promise. They’re out there somewhere I know it.” Armin smiled softly at his friend. Eren could hear how sympathetic his tone was, but at least Armin had leads. Eren never dreamed anything at all.

“I really don’t know, man” Eren sighed.

“Well then, tell me about your match then,” Armin offered.

“Hm, well he is pretty good looking but you can never trust profile pics. But he wasn’t some super old dude either. He was the same age as me, he had some boring sounding job, and he said he has a hard time dreaming, so I’m guessing he has the same problem as me,” Eren shrugged, “I don’t know, it was pretty vague now that I think about it.”

“What’s his name?”

“Uh, It’s Jean something, hold on, I’ll show you,” Eren grabbed his phone, opening Jean’s profile from his phone.

“Jee-an or Jehan?” Armin asked and Eren laughed.

“I don’t actually know, but his full name is Jean Kirsch-something. His name is difficult to pronounce wow.” Eren said as he handed him the phone. Armin scrolled through his profile, humming over it.

Eren grabbed the plates and walked toward the kitchen, “Yeah, like I said, pretty vague. I can’t tell anything concrete from what he has on his profile.” Eren turned on the sink to wash his hands, “Did you say something, Armin?” Eren yelled as he washed his hands. He turned off the water and dried his hands on his pants as he walked back.

“Too late,” Armin said as Eren frowned.

“What do you mean ‘too late’?” Eren snatched the phone out of Armin’s hands.

“Nothing,” Armin slid down the couch. Eren’s eyes widened as he looked at his phone screen.

“Armin, what the hell dude?!” Eren yelled. He grabbed a pillow and went to smack his friend when he rolled over and began running out of the room.

“Sorry but you wouldn’t have done it yourself,” Armin called from the middle of the hallway.

“That wasn’t your call, asshole,” Eren ran down to catch up to him, but he had already ran into Eren’s kitchen.

“He lives right in the city come on, only an hour away. That’s super lucky” Armin called and Eren followed his voice.

“Come back here so I can hit you,” Eren tailed him as he ran into the kitchen. He ran over and chased Armin around the dining table in circles.

“Maybe it’s fate!” Armin cooed.

“Shut up!” Eren chucked the pillow and it hit Armin square in the face, knocking him over.

“You suck,” Armin called from the floor. Eren walked over and pulled Armin up.

“Serves you right.” Eren sighed, looking at his phone again. Armin had sent a message to Jean prompting a meeting sometime soon. Eren locked the screen, deciding he would deal with it later.

“Seriously though. Give it some time, maybe this is the one,” Armin brushed his clothes off, “You can’t just rush into these kinds of things, though that’s never stopped you before.”

“Alright, alright I’m done talking all this soulmate shit, lets go play video games I just downloaded this awesome new DLC and I’ve been dying to try it out.” Eren said, although he couldn’t stop thinking about Armin’s words the rest of the day. He could only hope Jean was his destiny, or fate, or whatever higher power was behind all this. 


	2. Myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soulmate AU where soulmates are connected via their dreams. This chapter is from Jean's point of view and Dr. Reiss is Christa. I'm trying to get the plot to move a little bit faster so apologies if the sections seem short and not very detailed. I'm hoping to incorporate more characters as the story moves along. Ok, I'm done rambling, I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it.

“And now the fancy passes by,

And nothing will remain,

And miles around they’ll say that I

Am quite myself again.”

-          A.E. Houseman

 

Chapter 2

Air rushed through Jean’s hair, the sounds filling his ears like the call of someone’s voice. The blinding light around him dimmed to a softer shimmering sunlight against the blacktop of a busy highway.

_Where am I?_ Jean sat up, observing his surroundings. He was sitting on a bed of grass and he was staring straight at a busy road. Cars and trucks whizzed past him, but he couldn’t hear the tires against the gravel. The wind of the vehicles driving past him should have had gusts of wind jetting against his face, but he could only feel a gentle breeze headed without much direction. There was a calming quiet across the scenery as the clouds moved over the sun.

From behind him, he heard a buzzing. He turned around and saw a dim light move toward him. He felt his feet sink into the mud as the clouds began suffocating the sun, leaving him in a deep shadow. The light was fast approaching as the sound became distinguishable in Jean’s ears, it was that of a car honking. The light became a pair of headlights that illuminated him in the complete darkness and he braced himself for impact.

Jean nearly slid off his chair and he abruptly woke up. His heart pounded against his chest as he tried to catch his heavy breath. He sunk into his seat, placing his hands over his sweaty face and deciding that today would not be a good day.

 

 

After taking a long shower, Jean observed himself in the mirror. His hair was too long and there was fuzz poking out of his chin. He considered cutting the hair himself as he shaved, but decided he would just mess it up and make it look even worse. Even after combing his hair over and brushing his teeth, he couldn’t stop his eyes from looking tired as they sunk into the dark circles around his eyelids. He felt groggy as he dragged his feet across the tile bathroom floor and into the kitchen. After pouring a cup of coffee, he sat down at the dining table and opened his laptop.

As he checked his emails, he noticed one from <noreply@findyoursoulmate.com> and he chuckled. He didn’t expect to be matched with anyone, let alone with his sorry excuse for a profile. Whoever he was matched with must be in the same predicament as he is, Jean mulled as he opened the email.

Hi Jean Kirstein,

You have 1 new soulmate match: Eren Jeager. Click to see your soulmate’s profile!

Jean clicked Eren’s name and was immediately bombarded with a wall of text on his profile and a picture of the widest smiling face Jean had ever seen. He couldn’t tell if he thought the guy was attractive, his smile was so blinding. He glanced at the time, noting that he had more than enough time to read Eren’s profile.

He skipped the standard information—height, eye color, physical attributes—in favor of the giant block of text in the “About me” section. From what he gathered, Eren was a freelance photographer about 20 miles from the city where Jean lived. His favorite works to do were with nature and he was an outdoors-y person. Jean imagined being dragged to a hiking trip with Eren and his face scrunched at the thought of being exposed to the wilderness and away from organized society. He continued reading, smiling a little when he read of Eren’s admittance that he was an angry gamer. Eren seemed to be a good guy, nothing spectacular really. Jean finally allowed himself to scroll down to the last section: his dream section. Jean recalled how he had put down that he had a hard time remembering his dreams and ending it there. How could anyone be matched with such a vague load of bullshit?

Jean was suspicious when Eren’s dream section was only one sentence and upon reading it he wasn’t sure what to make of it:

“I don’t have any dreams at all.”

He read the sentence over and over; he had never heard of such a scenario and it made him wonder what Eren was trying to pull with that. Jean certainly knew he was lying, he must have. Everyone has dreams, even if it’s only of darkness, they have something to fill the void. Sure, it was very rare, but _no dreams at all_? Impossible, Jead decided as he closed his laptop. Eren was crazy or stupid and he had no time to deal with people like that.

 

 

Jean’s work routine was mechanical and calculated to say the least. His routine had not changed in the past year: check in at 9, eat the same lunch during break, check out at 5. His mind during the entire process was nothing more than a buzz of white noise and simple motor functions. He did as he was told and nothing else. He never faltered nor flew beyond a given capacity, he performed a function at a level which was ordinary in every sense of the word.

However, today, he sat at the table only staring at his phone screen during his lunch break. His eyes skimmed the sentence over again for what seemed to be the hundredth time in the past hour. Maybe Eren misstated his claim,the string of simple sentances in his about section left Jean with the impression that he wasn’t the most literarily competent person alive. Eren could mean something else in that sentence, he just couldn’t figure out what.

_Well, there’s only one way to really find out, right?_ Jean thought and he began mentally composing a message to Eren when a popup paused his train of thought.

“findyoursoulmate: You have 1 new message”. Without hesitation, he opened it and saw Eren had just sent a message:

“Hey, seeing how close you live do you want to meet up? I’m really interested in your dream. – Eren”

Jean stared at the message,  thankful that Eren had reached out to him first and also a bit anxious about meeting him. Though, he had nothing to worry about, if anything Eren is more at risk in this situation that Jean. With that in mind, Jean began composing a reply in his mind as he returned to work. His head was occupied with words forming polite sentances as he worked, ‘ _I’d love to’ no, too enthusiastic, ‘I’d like to’. Confirmation, ‘Yes, I’d like to’. ‘Yes, that sounds nice’. Casual, not too formal either, ‘Yeah, lets do it’,’Ok’…_ Jean didn’t hear any buzz as he worked, only the sound of his heart beating in anticipation.

 

Jean sent the message as soon as he got home. It was short, simple, and went through a million mental revisions. Even after Jean sent it, he read it over to ensure it was just right.

“Sure, I’d like that. How does <this> place sound?” He had hyperlinked a café he frequented. It was a causal and inexpensive, practical, or at least he hoped. He became increasingly aware of the stillness of the room and he let his mind think of Eren, what he expected and hoped. He wasn’t even sure how he wanted this whole thing to turn out, but he knew he felt restless and that was definitely a good sign, right?

 

Jean had a special talent for staying awake, or more specifically avoiding sleep. He was an insomniac in the greatest sense of the term. Not only was it out of sheer will, but even on the nights he felt particularly overwhelmed, his eyes seemed paralyzed open. When it first started, he took sleep medication, but he found it made him feel worse and he has since  decided he was better off without them. He then went through a phase of trying to stay completely awake at night and working or reading. He’d drink a cup of coffee at 10 pm and get cracking on a project and then crash at 4am with work in a few hours. Those were the first few rough months. After that, Jean decided to just take it easy, play some mindless FPS games or just listen to some music and relax at night. He has since felt he has properly dealt with it, and every mow and then he finds himself enjoying the stillness in those lonely hours.

Tonight was one of those nights. The lights were dim in his living room as he sat cozily on the couch, watching a movie off Netflix and thinking of Eren. He had affirmed their meeting to this Saturday, which was quickly approaching. Jean felt unsettled, he wasn’t sure what to expect from their meeting. Eren was probably under the impression that they really were soulmates, but Jean knew he wasn’t. Though he did feel a certain degree of pity for Eren, he didn’t see his situation as all that bad. Eventually he would find his soulmate, after all everyone has one. That’s just how the world is, just as there’s water to drink and air to breathe. Jean sighed deeply and wondered if he had enough time tonight to watch another movie when this one ended.

 

 

“You’re here early,” Dr. Reiss noted as she walked into the waiting room, her arms lifted as she tied her hair back into a tight ponytail, “Your appointment isn’t for another 15 minutes.”

“Yeah,” Jean was seated alone on the set of chairs in the room. He always scheduled his appointments with Dr. Reiss in the early morning for that very reason, “Couldn’t sleep.”

“Well we can discuss it now if you want, I mean, you’re here already,” She opened the door to her office, motioning for Jean to come in, and he got up and walked in before her. He took a seat on the well cushioned chair, his personal favorite, as Dr. Reiss sat across from him. She put some papers down on the side table and readjusted herself before smiling at him, “Still suffering from insomnia, Jean?”

“Yeah, it’s not so bad anymore, I was just,” He paused and considered his words before continuing, “last night I was feeling pretty good for once.”

She cocked her head a little, “What was it that you were feeling good about?”

“So I signed up for this ‘find your soulmate’ site and I met this guy who seems pretty nice. We’re meeting up this Saturday and I’m looking forward to it.” Jean smiled a little at the end of his sentence as he thought of seeing Eren.

“Does he think you’re his soulmate?” Dr. Reiss’ face was still, expressionless as she looked genuinely engulfed in what Jean had to say. He figured that was more because he was her client but he appreciated feeling like what he was saying was being taken seriously.

“No,” Jean scratched his neck, “Or at least I don’t think so. I was super not specific on my profile and he just asked about my dream situation. I don’t know it didn’t strike me as him hoping I’m his soulmate.”

“Does he know that you’re not his soulmate?” Her voice was calm and at a normal volume, but Jean’s ears seemed especially sensitive to her words. The sound waves rang and echoed against his skull for a moment.

“I think he’ll make a good friend. He seems to be in a predicament of his own in terms of soulmates.” Jean stared at the tile floor, the image of Eren’s smiling face running through his mind, “He doesn’t dream at all.” He said in a whisper so low that he wasn’t sure he even said it out loud at all.

“It’s good to have someone to socialize and interact with outside of work and life. Establishing meaningful connections with others is healthy, Jean.”

“Yeah. Yes, of course. I’m hoping this goes well.” He sat up and lifted his head, smiling as he

felt more certain than ever in his meeting with Eren.


	3. Prospice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is shorter than the last I'm sorry. Jean's part is easier to write than Eren's, but Mikasa joins in the chapter! I'm actually not sure who her soulmate is so I left it kind of ambiguous. The same with Jean's job, I'm not entirely sure what he does exactly. I'll figure it out, as of now it's not super important for the plot. Anyway I hope you enjoy this chapter and thank you so much for all the kudos!
> 
> (Also the title of the chapter "Prospice" means "looking forward")

“For sudden the worst turns the best to the brave,

The black minute’s at end,

And the elements’ rage, the fiend voices that rave,

Shall dwindle, shall blend,

Shall change, shall become first a peace out of pain,”

-          Robert Browning

 

Chapter 3

 

This was the first time Eren went to the city without a particular reason. He had a reason of course, but it wasn’t definitive enough for him to consider it substantial. After all, he was looking for a person he never met and only vaguely knew what he looked like. They had exchanged a few messages and that was the extent of their relationship thus far, which made Eren feel uneasy. Every instinct told him this was a bad idea, that this guy was going to end up as some creep and Eren would have to return home feeling defeated. Despite this, he felt like he had to give this a shot. He had to give the guy a chance, and a little part of him hoped that he would turn out to be a nice person, even if their relationship wasn’t as lovers.

Eren began fidgeting in his bus seat, the outline of the city buildings were more and more visible along the ride and he was feeling increasingly nervous. He ran over the details in his mind: the location of the café, the way Jean looked, the time they were to meet, etc. He had Mikasa on speed dial if the meeting turned out sour and he knew she’d get there in a heartbeat if need be. Not only because she was the most overprotective sister Eren thought could exist, but also because she lived just a few blocks away from where he was headed. He missed her a bit and was hoping to visit her after his date. Eren felt his cheeks warm up at the thought of the word “date”. Was this what it really was?

 _Oh my god I’m headed for my first date_. Eren took a deep breath and reorganized his thoughts. He noticed his stop was coming up and got up, taking a deep breath before he got off the bus and onto the busy streets. He opened his phone to check for directions and began wandering down. He was looking for a small restaurant, which according to yelp was very nice. Eren managed to spot it across the street, and he considered jaywalking, but decided that was a very bad idea for countless reasons. He made his way down to the crosswalk and crossed the street there. He heard his heart beat against his eardrums, the blood pulsing in his veins as he felt himself walk faster. As he closed the distance between him and the small shop, he stared at a man sitting by himself on a window seat. Eren stopped and gave him a good look. He had sand brown hair and an undercut which Eren didn’t notice in his profile picture. He looked nice, no older than he claimed, and certainly was handsome. He seemed to fit the description, Eren thought as he opened the glass door. A little bell rang and he saw Jean look up from his phone and directly at him. He smiled and waved a bit, Eren nodded and walked over, taking the seat directly across.

“Sorry I already ordered. Got here a bit early.” Jean laughed, which sounded nervous to Eren, but he couldn’t quite tell.

“No, that’s alright. It’s nice to meet you.” Eren could feel his heart pounding furiously against his chest; his ribs seemed to shake upon every beat. “I’m Eren. Well, I mean, you already knew that but,” He trailed off, not sure of how to continue.

“Hey it’s fine. Nice to meet you Eren, I’m Jean, as _you_ already knew.” Jean smiled and Eren laughed.

“I’m so glad you’re not some creepy old dude pretending to be Jean.” Eren took note of the pronunciation of his name, hoping he didn’t butcher it when he said it.

“Yeah sorry about that,” Jean scratched the back of his neck, looking flustered, “I’m never sure of what to put in those things, you know?”

“Well, what about your dream?” Eren’s eyes widened as he leaned forward slightly. The question had been rolling around in his mouth since their conversation started and finally spitting it out made him feel relieved. Although, he slightly regretted asking it as soon as he did because he saw Jean flinch a bit, “Or not, I mean sometimes it gets tiring to talk about it.”

“What do you mean?” Jean’s expression softened and Eren’s guilt evaporated instantly.

“No one gets it, you know? Like, I don’t understand it either. I don’t know what it means not to have any dreams. It feels like I pass out for one second and BAM!” Eren’s lively voice made Jean jump and Eren quieted down as he continued, “Its morning and I feel like I haven’t slept at all, though physically I feel well rested. I don’t know it’s so weird.” Eren physically deflated.

“Your coffee, sir?” A waitress called and Jean smiled at her as she put the cup in front of him. She turned to Eren, who looked at her attentively, “And would you like to order anything?”

“Oh I’ll have a medium hot chocolate.” The waitress took down his order and smiled at him before walking away. Jean took a sip of his drink and Eren looked over, “You take your coffee black?”

“No sugar, no cream.” Jean said as he lifted his cup before taking another sip, “So have you ever dreamed?”

Eren shook his head, “No, at least not that I remember. As far as I can tell, I’ve always been like this. I tried all sorts of sleep techniques, but I just can’t seem to conjure up anything.”

Jean was staring at him and Eren fidgeted a bit, “Sorry, didn’t mean to stare I just never heard about that before,”

“What about you?” Eren peered at Jean curiously, and he seemed to ponder a bit.

“Hm, well I don’t sleep much. I have insomnia, and when I do sleep…” He trailed off, staring at his coffee for a moment before continuing, “Darkness. It’s all dark.”

Eren scowled, “So you’re at a dead end too.”

“Yeah, I guess you could say that.” Jean looked up from his drink to look at Eren. He smiled and Eren felt heat spread through his cheeks.

“Your hot chocolate, sir.” The waitress placed a tall cup in front of Eren. He broke away from Jean’s gaze to thank her as she walked off.

Eren dipped a finger in the whipped cream and licked it before looking back up at Jean, “So, what do you do for a living?” He said as he remembered he knew nothing about Jean, while he on the other hand put his entire life on the internet. He would have to fix that later. Until then, he listened to Jean talk about his boring office job, his favorite movies and music. They talked until Eren could see the bottom of his second cup. His cheeks hurt from smiling and they both decided it was time to part ways.

“Hey could I possibly have your number?” Jean asked, scratching his neck again. Eren noticed it must’ve been a nervous habit.

“Of course, I’d love to see you again.” Eren smiled as he pulled out his phone. Once they registered each other, Eren turned to walk uptown.

“See ya,” Jean called as he walked the other direction. Eren smiled, a warmth spreading from his chest. _That wasn’t so bad_ he thought as he headed for Mikasa’s apartment complex.

 

 

He only had to wait a few seconds after knocking before the door swung open, “Mikasa, I—” He was cut short by a hug.

“I’m glad you came to visit.” Mikasa sighed. Eren laughed and wrapped his arms around her back.

“I missed you. How are things?” He asked as she pulled away, leading him into her apartment.

“Good. Do you want anything to eat or drink?” She asked as he made his way to her couch. The living room was spacious, as expected from an executive of a major company. Mikasa was always the best at whatever she did, so it wouldn’t surprise Eren that she managed to climb the ranks of her job so quickly.

“No thanks, I’m full.” Eren answered as he sat down.

Mikasa raised an eyebrow as she walked over and sat in the armchair adjacent to him, “So why are you here.”

“Come on, I can’t just visit?” Eren laughed, but he felt her sharp gaze stare straight through his guise, “Okay fine, I came into the city on a date, but I also wanted to see you while I was here.”

Her eyes widened, “A date? Do you mean with your soulmate?”

“Well, I don’t know if he is, I mean I still have that whole… _thing_ ,” Eren’s tone deflated a bit, “but he’s really nice and I really like him.” He couldn’t help but smile at the end of his sentence.

“What about him? Does he have a soulmate?” She kept a cool composure as she asked.

Eren paused before answering, “No, I don’t think so. I’m like 99% sure he doesn’t because he said he can’t decipher his dreams either.”

“So he does dream.”

“Sort of,” Eren quickly retorted, “he said he dreams of darkness sometimes but mostly he doesn’t sleep. Insomnia, you know?”

Mikasa hummed a second, “Okay.” She got up and began walking to the kitchen, “Do you plan on staying for dinner?”

“What about your _soulmate_?” Eren called, “Is she staying for dinner as well?”

“Working late. So how about it?” She asked as she opened the fridge door, “though I’m not sure what I can make. I usually get take out when it’s just me.”  
“Whatever is fine,” Eren called as he looked at his phone. Jean had just texted him.

 _How about I buy you a real meal next time?_ Eren couldn’t hold back a smile as he texted back a positive response. Before he could send it, the phone flew out of his hands.

“You can answer your boyfriend after you answer my question,” Mikasa was dangling his phone over his head.

“Hey!” Eren reached for the device, but she was quicker in pulling it away. He tumbled a bit over the couch, “Give it back.”

“Dinner,” was all Mikasa said as she swiftly backed away from Eren, avoiding all of his desperate attempts at retrieving his phone.

“Just order a pizza!” Eren grunted as he lunged for it, but ended up running into the staircase.

“Toppings?” She turned around and began walking back into the living room.

“God damn it, Mikasa,” He chased her from behind, “Pepperoni!”

He crashed into the couch as she circled the coffee table, “Okay, I’ll go order it now,” She said as she tossed the phone over her shoulder. The device landed square on his chest and he grumbled about the pain. He looked at his phone and saw that the text had been altered.

 _No, I’ll pay. I insist_. He frowned and looked up at the kitchen, where Mikasa was standing, phone against her ear and a wide smile across her face. He stuck his tongue out at her angrily and he saw her smile ease into a concerned stare. He could almost hear her nagging about this, but she was wrong. Jean wasn’t some creep who he just met off the internet, though the latter was true. Jean was a good person, he could feel it. There was nothing to worry about; Mikasa was just being overprotective, as usual.

Eren jumped a little when his phone vibrated. Jean sent back a quick message, _I insist. There’s a nice place I’d like to take you._ Eren couldn’t help but smile as he felt like he could melt right there on the upholstery.


	4. Greater Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean is facing some inner turmoil concerning his relationship with Eren. Connie makes a cameo this chapter ^q^!!!!

“Red lips are not so red

As the stained stones kissed by the English dead.

Kindness of wooed and wooer

Seems shame to their love pure.

O Love, your eyes lose lure

When I behold eyes blinded in my stead!”

-          Wilfred Owen

Chapter 4

 

After three dates and endless hours of texting, Jean could say with certainty that he had something good going with Eren. Though every now and then, the darkness would overtake him, especially when he felt alone. But more recently, Jean felt a sense of security, and the frequency of those moments were decreasing. Though when it did occur, he felt even further, futher than he ever felt.

But that didn’t matter now, Eren was due to come over any minute now and Jean wanted to make sure the place was spotless. His slobbish manners had descended his small apartment into a literal dump. He spent the last three hours throwing stuff into garbage bags, scrubbing every visible surface, and shoving the rest of his junk into his bedroom. After a quick spray of febreeze, he decided that the place was finally presentable. He checked his watch, it was 8:03 pm and Eren was late. Not wanting to seem anal, Jean decided now was a good time to feed himself. Tonight they were going to watch a movie on Jean’s couch and, in his intense cleaning, he neglected to feed himself. He grabbed three slices of bread and a jar of peanut butter and began constructing a triple decker peanut butter sandwich. He took a hefty bite and went to grab a carton of milk from the refridgerator, drinking a large gulp between bites. Jean was almost done eating when the doorbell rang. He threw the sandwhich into the trash, wiping the countertop off with his hands and ran over to the door, wiping his mouth with his sleeve on the way. He opened the door to see Eren, who breathed a sigh of relief.

“Hey you made it!” Jean exclaimed as he opened the door wider.

“Barely,” Eren sighed as he walked into the apartment, “I got a little lost after I found out there’s two streets with the same name.”

“Yeah, that always gets people confused,” Jean walked them to the living room and Eren flopped down on the couch.

“I’m so hungry, got anything to eat?” Eren asked and Jean hummed as he walked over to the kitchen.

“Did you eat dinner?” He called from the living room.

“Not at all, I spent today navigating the city.” Eren got up from the couch to lean on the doorway to the kitchen, watching Jean look through the fridge.

“Uh, well I’m not good at cooking at all.” Jean sighed as he closed the fridge door in favor of looking through his cabinets.

“Jeez, how did you survive your entire adult life?” Eren took a seat on a chair in the dining room which hardly counted as a room but more of a space between the kitchen and living room.

Jean paused upon hearing the question. The words echoed in his head as he stared at the specs on the counter as he caught his shallow breath _._ He felt the walls cave in and his ears began to ring. His body was frozen, darkness consuming his sight as he thought of his dreams. It wasn’t until Eren grabbed him that he finally recognized what was happening.

“What? I’m sorry,” Jean said quickly.

“What was _that_?” Eren said incredulously, crossing his arms as he gave Jean a serious expression.

“Uh, I, well I’m not entirely sure,” He laughed nervously, “that was weird.”

“Yeah no shit,” Eren retorted, “You ok?”

“Fine,” Jean sighed, “So what do you want to eat?”

“You sure?” Eren leaned over, “Look I can go home if you’re not feeling ok.”

“Seriously I’m fine.” Jean snapped and Eren jumped a little.

“Okay, if you say so,” Eren backed off, “I’m not hungry that’s ok. Lets just watch the movie.”

Jean regret his temper immediately, his plans were turning sour on him as he noticed Eren’s sulk back to the couch. He walked over and sat down next to Eren. In his mouth he felt the words to explain himself roll around his tongue. He could tell Eren what had been biting at him for so long now, what kept him up at night and for a moment he almost did. But he swallowed hard, deciding that it was a bad idea and quickly came up with a viable excuse.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you, it wasn’t your fault.” Jean sighed and looked up at Eren with an expression of sincerity.

“Just tell me what’s up, Jean, that’s all.” He retorted quietly, “There’s obviously something bugging you.”

Jean rubbed his neck, “I really just zoned out. It could be that I haven’t slept in a long while, I don’t really know. What I do know is that I’m fine. I’m healthy and I just want to watch a movie with you,”

Eren smiled, “Ok fine. What’re we watching?”

“Well after you told me you haven’t seen the Avengers—“

“No way,” Eren’s face lit up as he hopped out of his slump, “Wow that’s awesome,” Jean smiled. He was relieved that the night wasn’t ruined by his, he wasn’t sure what to call it. Well whatever it was, he wasn’t going to mind it, not with Eren thoroughly enjoying the film. The darkness seemed less threatening as the screen lights flickered with the explosions blasting through the small TV speakers.

 

 

 

Once Eren left, Jean pushed the crap off his bed and collapsed onto the tangled mess of sheets. Eren was fun, enthusiastic, but a handful. How did he even have all that energy, Jean could only muse as he pulled the covers over him,wrapping it tightly around himself. He felt slightly jealous of Eren in that moment, where his eyeslids weighted a ton and his mind was drifting off. If only he could sleep peacefully, without fear of what lies ahead. Eren went to bed with hope, but Jean was past that and so far gone, he wondered if morning even felt like relief or just a numbness by this point. He could only hope this time would be different as he drifted off to sleep, mentally bracing himself for what was to come.

 

 

He felt the cool linoleum countertop against his fingertips. The sun was blinding through the windows. It was unbearably bright, but Jean continued feeling the cheap plastic, the texture engraved on his skin. He heard a quiet sizzling dn the sound of metal clanking. He turned around, and the tiny kitchen was glowing, the edges soft and everything blurred like one ray of light. The sound accentuated, as he could hear the gas running from the stove, the sound of scraping and clanking against his eardrum as if he were pressing his hear against the sound itself. Looking around he saw the dining table, a clean cloth draped over its worn edges. Two plates and silverware were set up, arranged neatly across from each other. He took a seat in front of one, noticing the orderly placement: spoon and knife on the left, fork on the right. He felt his stomach clench as he put the pieces together in his mind. The room was blurring again, until his eyes readjusted, the light still flooding the space between the walls. The pans stopped clanking and suddenly, food was being piled onto his plate. A pair of fried eggs, sunny-side up slid onto his plate along with three slabs of bacon. The oil pooled on his plate as he slowly lifted his head.

A figure was sitting across the table, his hands holding his utensils and slicing his eggs with a fork. His face was smiling as he stared at Jean with bright brown eyes and freckles peppered across the bride of his nose and across his cheeks. Jean opened his mouth, reaching a hand out to touch him, when he felt his throat constrict and tears pooling in his eyes. He couldn’t breathe as he felt himself sinking into the ground. He descened into the floor, his arm still stretching towards the sky, but his lungs were filling up with water. He tried calling out, but his voice refused to produce a sound, the water pulling him further into darkness. His body paralyzed and he coughed on his last breathe before a bright flash of light burned his eyes.

Jean woke up dreanched in sweat and he felt tears pooling behind his eyelids. He pulled himself upright as he stared at his hand. _That was no ordinary dream_ , Jean thought as he swiveled to the side of his bed, _that was a memory_. He sighed as he began walking to the bathroom, this was not what he needed right now.

 

 

 

“You’re regressing,” Dr. Reiss calmly stated as she crossed her legs. Jean had decided to see her again after what happened last night. He felt like it was the only thing he could do.

“Am I that much of a mess?” Jean replied weakly as he wondered how disheveled he looked, did he even bother to brush his hair this morning? He couldn’t recall.

She suppressed a sympathetic look, “The call gave it away. You haven’t called for an emergency in months. Not that I personally mind, but it indicates that something happened to set you back.”

“Setback is an understatement. This knocks everything out of the park.” Jean sighed, “I might as well tell you: I had another bad dream last night.”

“How bad?” She inquired as her eyebrow arched.

“The worst in a long while.” He paused to take a deep breathe before continuing, “I saw him again. He didn’t say anything, but he made my favorite breakfast in our—” He stopped and revised his statement, “ –my kitchen. But after that it just got all dark and that was it.”

“How does that make you feel?”

“Quite honestly, I feel like I’m hollowed out, like I’m completely empty.”

Dr. Reiss stared at Jean for a moment, “And who are you going to fill that space with?”

Jean frowned, “Eren is not a filler.”

“He’s not your soulmate either. And neither are you his, yet you’re involving yourself romantically with him.” Jean opened his mouth to defend himself, but Dr. Reiss held up her hand, “I’m not condoning spending time with him, I’m just suggesting that your actions are not healthy for either of you. In the end, he’s going to find out the truth and your going to get hurt again.”

“Do you think he’s the reason I had that dream?” Jean thought about the figure across, how peaceful he looked.

“I’m not a dream specialist, though I could refer you to some specialists in the area if you’re that interested. What I’m worried about is your well being.” She frowned as she put her clipboard down, “You’re vulnerable, Jean, understandable as to why, but still weak.”

Jean remained quiet, he folded and unfolded his hands over and over before he answered, “I just don’t know what to do.”

“For now, relax. Just do what you’ve got to do, and then figure out your situation with Eren.” She brushed a stray blonde hair behind her ear, “You’re a good person, Jean; and you’ve been through a lot recently, but you need to stop trying to fill the void and start accepting it as part of who you are.”

Jean frowned, he wasn’t sure how to take her advice, but he kept it in mind anyway.

 

 

Dr. Reiss’ words ran through Jean’s mind all during work. He liked Eren, no doubt. He was a nice guy, certainly wasn’t going to hurt him in any way. But that wasn’t what was scratching at Jean’s brain like a tick. A growing, blood sucking tick that was making it harder and harder for Jean to just focus. That’s always worked for him, just taking everything one task at a time. Organize the papers, do the dishes, schedule an appointment, these minsicule tasks engulfed his mind, repetitively drowning out everything else. He could hear nothing but the clicking of keys on his keyboard, the words occupying all the space on his retina. However, this time, the words all blended into a blur, the sounds seemed mere echoes as he felt a nausea wash over him.

Jean decided to just take his lunch break, sure that the clutter of his cubicle was crowding his mind. He grabbed a seat and took a deep breath, feeling relief with the change of atmosphere.

For a few minutes, Jean heard nothing but the sound of his own chewing. Abruptly, Connie slid a chair over. He made himself comfortable, opened a bottle of water and took a long sip before heaving a satisfied sigh and turned to look at Jean.

“So, what’s up Jean-ny boy?” He smiled, leaning over to observe Jean’s face. A smug grin stretching his cheeks up to his eyes.

Jean leaned away from Connie’s intrusive stare, “The phrase is ‘Johnny boy’, you dumbass. And nothing’s ‘up’.”

Connie merely laughed  “Aw, come on dude, no one’s seen you this alive since,” he stammered a bit as his tone dipped for a second, “well, uh, since like, forever ago.”

Jean swiveled in his seat away from him, “I’ve always been alive, pulse and all just fine.”

“I’m being serious here! Sasha swore she caught you _humming_ the other day.”He shook his head, “And I mean, you’re not so zombie-like. I mean before, I could’ve flicked, like, _two hundred_ rubber bands at you and you wouldn’t so much as flinch. Swear, if you fainted then, they’d take your corpse straight to the morgue. No autopsy, nothing.”

“What’s your point, Connie?” Jean snapped, turning his head to scowl at him.

“Just saying, whatever it is, man, it looks good on you,” The smaller man sighed as he got up, taking his stuff with him. Jean felt his stomach crumple like tissue paper as he watched Connie walk out of the break room.

 

 

Eren J: Hey so tomorrow my sister is coming into town and I was wondering if you could come over for dinner?

Jean looked carefully at the text. He recalled Eren talking about his adopted sister, Mikasa. No, that was an understatement, Eren enthused about her. She was a successful and ambitious businesswoman, but Eren is more concerned with her gaming abilities. Jean had never been to Eren’s apartment and it would be nice to actually meet her in the flesh.

Jean typed out a quick “sure” and sent it only to receive a response less that two seconds later:

Eren J: Sweet. Armin’s coming too!

Jean paused. Armin was the best friend, the one Eren focuses a lot of his attention on. He was apparently super smart and an expert dream interpreter. _Dream interpreter_. He remembered Dr. Reiss’ recommendation to see a specialist and immediately felt his spirits lifted. He felt antsy as he sent Eren a text inquiring the details.

 

 

By the time Jean made it to the hallway of Eren’s apartment complex, he heard muffled laughter. He walked over the the door, feeling nervous. He had a dress shirt and slacks on, but they still felt out of place on his body. He knew he looked casual enough, but it still felt like a lot for just dinner. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door. The noise paused and after a quick second, the door opened. Eren had the widest smile on his face as Jean tried to reflect the same enthusiasm.

“You made it! Come in, come in” Eren stepped aside as Jean walked into the foyer. He saw two people in the kitchen and walked over, “I don’t know how to cook so Mikasa and Armin are making pasta.”

“If only you told me you have basically nothing in your kitchen we could make something nice for Mikasa.” Armin said as he chopped what looked to be green herbs.

“It’s no big deal, Armin.” Mikasa simply replied as she read the back of a box of fettucini.

“Please don’t make it al dente,” Eren said before he turned to Jean, “Can I get you anything to drink?”

Jean sat down on the barstool by the counter, “Just water, thanks.”

Eren opened his fridge, nearly bumping into Armin in the process. It was somewhat comedic, the three of them clearly not fitting in the tiny kitchen, but there was a subtle closeness between them that Jean slightly envied.

“So this one, cutting the whatever” Eren put his hand on Armin’s blonde head as he put a pitcher of water on the counter, “is Armin Arlert. Dr. Arlert, dream wonder if you will.”

“It’s thyme, and can you take your hand off my head? I need to put this in the sauce before it burns.” Armin moved out of Eren’s grip and turned to the stove.

“And that one there is Mikasa.” Mikasa looked up at Jean for a second and nodded at him. Jean watched the lashes of her eyes as she did, how her hair shimmered in the kitchen light. He was taken aback by how pretty she was.

“Armin, Mikasa,” When Eren called their names, they paused and turned to him,” This is Jean.” Jean smiled and Eren wrapped an arm around him.

“Hello, it’s so good to meet you. Eren always talks about you.” Jean smiled.

“Nice to finally meet you. He does the same with you,” Armin had a wide grin on as Mikasa seemed to giggle a little.

“Shut up, Armin.” Eren walked over to finish pouring the cup of water. He shot Armin a glare and the blonde merely turned back around to tend to the sauce. Eren passed the water to Jean, his cheeks slightly red.

He smiled as he took a sip, “So you’re Eren’s sister?” Mikasa merely nodded and a silence filled the air that Jean had no idea what to say to prevent it.

“Uh, so Mikasa, why isn’t _your_ soulmate here?” Eren pondered quickly.

Mikasa was more receptive to Eren, “She’s working late, but she sends her reguards.”

“Oh that’s nice of her,” Eren said. The conversation continued with ease, Armin joining in every now and then, and the three of them seemed so far off from Jean. It was as if he wasn’t there, or he was just a spectator to their festivities. He knew then that he didn’t belong here, that he hardly knew Eren. They were comfortable together, but this was so much more, more than Jean knew he could provide.

Jean just smiled, his voice remained basically unheard for the rest of the night save a few polite laughs.

 

 

Rain had begun to fall as Jean made his way home. He turned down many polite offers from Eren to stay over and avoid the bad weather, but he shugged him off with the excuse of work the next day. The night went well enough, but Jean couldn’t let this go on. He felt the heavy raindrops pelting his head as he walked down the street to his apartment with the strongest sense of resolution he had felt in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaa I'm sorry about how long it took this chapter to come out I had midterms but they're over now (thank the lord). I'll have Eren's chapter out by the end of this week and that is a promise. Things should get more exciting now in the story!!! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and thanks for all the kudos!


	5. Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean and Eren don't seem to have much chemistry until Eren discovers Jean's secret. A conflict stirs the two that shake up their relationship more than either expected. Major name drop, like super over-dramatic name drop (sorry).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter was really late. I know I promised a week but I hit a block and finals were killing me. Anyways, I hope you enjoy the chapter, it gets a lot more interesting from here. I really enjoyed writing this one and I'm very excited to write Jean's part next time. Thank you all for the kudos, I really appreciate it!!

“I had a dream, which was not at all a dream.

The bright sun was extinguished, and the stars

Did wander darkling in the eternal space,

Rayless, and pathless, and the icy earth

Swung blind and blackening in the moonless air”

-          Lord Byron

 

Chapter 5

The sink was running, dishes clicking and water sloshing intermingled with the sound of the heavy sighs.

“No offense, Eren, but you’re being ridiculous.” Armin said, walking over to the couch where Eren was lying, his arms covering his face, “You’ve been sighing for the past 15 minutes and you didn’t even help clean up.”

“Why didn’t he stay? He seemed so uncomfortable too,” Eren looked up, “I just don’t know what to do.”

The sink shut off. Mikasa walked over from the kitchen, wiping her hands on a towel, “Eren, you’re over reacting.”

“Yeah well, what did you guys think?” Eren said, turning to the two, who just looked at each other, the same expression on both of their faces, “What?”

“Well, uh, y’know he’s _nice_ and all.” Armin smiled at Eren in a way that seemed almost painful.

“What? Just tell me already.” Eren sat up and sternly looked at them.

“You guys are clearly not in love.” Mikasa stated, her arms crossed by this point.

“What?” Eren stood up, his hands on his hip, “I’m dating him, I’m not gonna marry him. We’re trying things out.”

“And that worked out real well, a dried up fish has more life than he did.” Mikasa retorted quickly.

“Oh now you’re just being ridiculous. Come on, Armin.” Eren stared him down but Armin averted his gaze to the floor.

“Well, you know she maybe overstating it, but she does have a point.” Eren flopped back down on the couch at Armin’s response.

“Do you really like him, Eren?” Mikasa leaned on the couch, peering down at Eren. He turned away from her and merely sighed.

“Eren, we wouldn’t be saying this if we didn’t have a basis, or if we didn’t doubt your feelings.” Armin said as he sat at the edge of the cushion.

“Is it obvious that I doubt his feelings?” Eren exclaimed as he turned back around to stare at the ceiling.

“You’ve been sighing nonstop all night.” Mikasa raised an eyebrow, “Honestly, you’re way too eays to read.”

Eren sat up and tossed a cushion at her, only to have her catch it and immediately toss it back. It smacked him square in the face and he laid back down, pulling it off his head, “That hurt.”

“I’m sorry, but you started it.” She said as she checked her watch, “I’d love to stay and play pillow fights with you but its getting pretty late and I have a long way home. Besides, Armin can explain much more eloquently than I ever can.”

“Good night. Don’t hurt anyone on the way,” Eren said without getting up at all.

“Good night Mikasa!” Armin called, waving as she left the apartment.

There was a moment of stillness, the sound of breathing and the ticking of a distant clock filling the space in their conversation.

“Is Jean interesting to you?” Armin broke the rhythm and Eren held his breath for a moment.

“You know, at first he was. He was this whole person that I had no idea about and who, I thought, was he closest to my soulmate. You and everyone else gets to know their soulmate little by little as time goes on, but me? I was just hoping there’d be, I don’t know, more to him.” Eren sat up and looked at Armin.

“What do you mean by that?” Armin moved over to sit next to Eren.

He sighed once again before answering, “I don’t know. It’s like he tells me stuff but it doesn’t feel whole. I know some movies he’s seen but I don’t know which one’s his favorite. I don’t know where he works, but apparently it’s a boring office job. He’s just like the most boring man I’ve ever met.”

“There might be a reason why. Like you said, just testing the waters.” Armin said, leaning back and staring at the ceiling with Eren.

“I don’t even have any gurantee that he’s my soulmate, “Eren frowned, feeling a throbbing in his head. “That’s the main thing, you know? Is he my soulmate? I have no clue, I can’t see _anything_ and he always manages to avoid the question.”

Armin turned slightly to Eren, “Do you want me to have a consultation with him?”

Eren shook his head, “No, I won’t pry into it. I’d rather hear it from him directly anyways.”

“What are you hoping to hear?”

“I’m hoping I’ll go to sleep one night and see him on the other side, waiting patiently for me. I want to wake up and see him next to me and know that there’s nothing wrong with me, it just tok a ridiculous amount of time for me to catch up.” Eren became acutely aware of the night sky shining through the window; the moon and stars nearly invisible, but the outline was still distinct through the thick gray clouds. The shadows seemed to lurk in the corners of the room as the lamp light—the only one on in the whole flat—flickered slightly.

“Its’ getting late, do you want to just call it a day?” Armin said as he sat up.

“Yeah, nothing else I can do.” Eren mumbled as he heaved himself off the couch and walked towards the kitchen. In the dark he turned on the sink and filled a kettle with water, “You going home or do you wanna just crash here?” Eren called and Armin walked to the kitchen and sat in the seat Jean did earlier.

“I need to work early tomorrow so I think I’ll go.” Armin watched Eren merely nod at this answer.

“Okay” He said quietly. He pulled a mug out of the cabinet and then a box of tea from another before turning to the next and grabbing a bottle of pills.

“What are those for?” Armin inquired, looking over at the bottle and unable to read it in the dark.

“They’re just an organic thing I got…supposed to stimulate my brain and help increase my memory retention, at least that’s what the lady told me at the store.” He said as he opened the bottle, dropped two into his hand and popped them into his mouth.

“Do you think you’re forgetting your dreams as soon as you wake up?”

“I think there’s something wrong with _me,_ Armin. There’s a pathway somewhere that’s not open or something that isn’t right with me. Or, or maybe I just can’t remember, maybe I’m meeting my soulmate every night but every morning I just can’t remember that it ever happened. I just need to know.”

“You need to know if it’s Jean on the other side.” Armin stood up and walked over to Eren’s side, “You felt this before you introduced him to Mikasa and me. You weren’t sure, and you’re going to sleep on it before you make a decision.” The realization Armin had was being relayed just as it dawned on him and the thoughts Eren has enclosed in his mind for so long finally vocalized.

“If he’s not there, or if I can’t remember, I can’t keep going like this. Something needs to change, I need something solid, anything to tell me that I’m not wasting my time.” The pot slowly began to whistle, the sound increasing steadily as Eren spoke. He looked at Armin for a second before turning to turn off the stove. He poured hot water into the mug and dropped the tea into it.

“I hope it works out,” Armin patted Eren on the back while he was facing away from him and began walking out of the kitchen, “I’m going home, give me a call when you’re ready.”

Eren only stare at the mug, the hot liquid looked black in the dark as he heard Armin’s footsteps echo down the hall before the door clicked shut. He held his breathe, feeling the steam accumulate water on his chin before exhaling loudly. He inhaled deeply, held again, and exhaled, until the water on his face cooled and he didn’t feel like his body would crumble at any second.

 

 

When Armin didn’t answer the second call, Eren knew something was wrong. Something must’ve happened to him the night before on his way home, that was the only explanation that Eren came to. He immediately began to dial Mikasa’s number before remembering that it was already well past 10 AM and she had work since 3 hours ago. She wouldn’t be available until noon and that was way too late. He needed to act immediately if he wanted to save his dear friend.

He dialed Jean’s number and pressed call, by this point pacing his living room floor. The buzzing against his ear as if an electric shock to Eren’s heart. He could only imagine Armin in a hostage situation, his obvious perpetrators some secret organization from a foreign government who wanted to extrapolate intricate knowledge from Armin’s brain. He knew Armin was too smart for his own good.

When there was a click sound, Eren pounced within the second, “Jean, I need your help, Armin is—,” before he heard the voice of his voicemail box cut him off, “damn it.”

He checked his watch, the traffic to Armin’s office couldn’t be that bad. It would take 15 maybe 20 minutes top to get there if he caught the next bus. In one turn, Eren headed for the door, grabbing his jacket on the way out without breaking his pace.

 

 

Eren slammed into the glass door within ten minutes, the door slamming open as he ran past the elevator to the stairwell. He ran up to the second floor, leaping over every second step and turning on a swivel without missing a beat. He opened the door and rushed into Armin’s office. The receptionist wasn’t there and Eren immediately imagined her in the same predicament as Armin. He was about to open the door to the other room when it opened. Jean emerged and Eren felt his heart stop.

“Jean?” He looked up and immediately jumped a little, “Jean, what are you doing here?”

“I could say the same for you, Eren” Jean retorted defensively, “What are _you_ doing here?”

Eren’s jaw basically unhinged as his mind scrambled to come up with something coherent. The image of Armin’s distress shattered as he became aware of how ridiculous he seemed standing alone in Armin’s waiting room, with Jean as a witness to his foolish behavior.

“Eren?” Armin called as he walked into the waiting room, ‘What’s going on?”

“Oh thank god there’s an emergency and I need you,” Eren quickly snatched Armin by the arm and dragged him into the room, “You don’t have any patients for awhile right? This’ll only take a second I promise.”

As soon as he slammed the door shut, he allowed himself to exhale. He turned to Armin who was completely unsure as to what happened. He was looking at Eren with a face that Eren translated to “you better explain what the fuck just happened quick.”

“Ok before your face freezes like that I can explain,” Eren said and Armin raised an eyebrow, “Well, I was freaking out and you weren’t available and I was worried something happened to you so I rushed over but more importantly why was Jean here I mean does he need consultation is it something to do with his dreams I mean clearly theres something up and I need you to explain this immediately please.” Eren’s words were rushed at Armin quicker than he could process.

“First, you’re ridiculous. Second, patient confidentiality.” Armin quickly replied.

“So he’s definitely your patient, because if he wasn’t he wouldn’t be here and you wouldn’t have to withhold information.”

“Listen Eren, you’re overreacting. Have you made a decision yet?” Armin crossed his arms and stared at Eren with a scowl on his face.

“I did, but this changes everything,” Eren’s face lit up and Armin’s expression shifted to questioning, “I need to know, Armin. I need to know if I’m his soulmate, even if you won’t tell me that it’s me.”

Armin sighed, “Eren, this is a bad idea.”

“Yeah yeah, I get it. Patient confidential or whatever. It’s fine, I’ll just find out myself.” Eren began walking off, “Thanks, Armin.”

“Wait, Eren!” Armin called, but Eren was already out the door, “This is a very bad idea.”

 

 

It was a weekday, now past noon, and Eren knew Jean would have work. This was perfect opportunity to do some back alley investigating, though less so with actual alleys and more with the internet.

He walked home this time, enjoying the afternoon sun as he let his ideas flow. First he’d comb Jean’s social media. Prior, he hadn’t given the activity much thought since his profile made him seem pretty transparent. Not this time, though, Eren would be sure to go through every post to ensure there wasn’t anything fishy.

When he walked into his building, he began thinking of alternative approaches. As he ascended the stairwell to his floor, the thought of doing a thorough background check popped up, but he decided that was too much work for one man, and he wasn’t desperate enough to do anything illegal. Once at the door he came to the decision to check Jean’s facebook profile first.

He sat down on the couch and opened his laptop. Immediately, he opened Jean’s facebook and began scrolling through his timeline, skimming every post and picture. After an hour of intense search he decided there was nothing suspicious to be found. Eren cracked the bones in his neck and rolled his shoulders around before switching tabs and checking his email for a change. As he scrolled through the hundreds of spam messages, his interest piqued at the sight of the sender <noreply@findyoursoulmate.com>. He clicked it and the email opened, the message simple, but it reminded him of Jean.

“Well, it couldn’t hurt to try, I guess.” Eren murmured as he opened the site and checked Jean’s profile. It was the same as when he first saw it, plain and not very detailed. He skimmed it over again, even scrolled up and down a few times for good measure. Deciding that there was more blank space that noticeable text, he went to close the window before the “forums” section caught his eye. Jean had contributed to a thread a few years ago according to the almost imperceptible link on his profile. Eren clicked it and it immediately lead to a thread in the “Found My Soulmate” section. Eren's breathe stopped short, but he did not slow down. He skipped to page 50 and clicked through each one, trying to pin the one Jean had posted. His eyes frantically read each post, many just stating a name which was hyperlinked to their soulmate’s profile. It made searching quicker as Eren went as far back as page 137, where the second post was Jean’s. Eren felt his heart stop as he examined the post, staring at it for a good 5 minutes. He took a screenshot of the page and clicked the link but it was dead, leading to a 404 error. He returned to the page beforehand and just sat back as he reread the name over and over.

“Marco.” He breathed, feeling his chest tighten in the shroud of night.

 

 

His eyes seemed to burn red, even when in the light of morning or the convenience store florescence, the red lingered. Even the screen on his phone seemed red as he saw that he missed another text, another call.

Eren washed a pile of trays, the smell of chemicals burning his nose, in the black curtained room with nothing but a red bulb to illuminate the water sloshing in the sink. He meticulously scrubbed each tray, careful to avoid contact with the residual solutions and drying each one with a new paper towel. He then lined them up on the table and began pouring the developer solution from the stock bottle when he felt his phone vibrate again in his pocket. He finished filling each tray before opening the box of film he had prepared. With a pair of tongs, Eren lifted the first sheet and dipped it slowly into a tray of water. He sloshed it around a bit before lifting it from the corner and letting the water drip from the sheet. He put it into the next tray, swishing it around and watching the black slowly appear on the page when his phone vibrated again. For a second, he felt like he should answer the phone, but the image was finally becoming visible and he would have to move it to the stop bath very soon.

As he lifted the page from the tray and into the next, he heard a knock on the door. _Shit_ , Eren thought as he looked around. The black curtained area was not a room but a corner of his apartment and opening a single part exposed light to the area. He sighed and turned back to the picture, deciding that it was probably just a salesman or something. It was only a few seconds after that he heard the knock again, louder and much more aggressive this time. By this point annoyed, Eren decided to answer it. He squatted down and crawled under the curtain, hoping that nothing was ruined as he rushed down the hall and to the door. Without checking who it was Eren swung the door open, “What is it?”

Jean was standing with his phone against his ear and a look of exasperation on his face. A moment of silence passed as the two were frozen in their respective positions, only interrupted by the sound of Eren’s phone buzzing in his pocket.

“Well, I’ve been trying to reach you all week and I was worried something had happened to you, but now I see that you’re just avoiding me.” Jean ended the call and he crossed his arms, “What’s going on?”

Eren’s eyes widened. He opened his mouth but he couldn’t form a sound and promptly shut it before stepping aside and motioning for Jean to come in. Jean raised an eyebrow before stepping in.

“What is this you breaking up with me?” Jean laughed before turning back at Eren, who just looked at him, “Wait, are you serious?” he frowned.

“I just need to know something, and you’ve been avoiding it so I avoided you.” Eren replied and Jean frowned. There was another pause before Eren broke the silence, “You know already, don’t you?”

Jean’s face twisted, he clearly didn’t want to talk about it and Eren wondered if he should just retract his question, “It’s, uh, complicated.”

“What does that even mean?” Eren said, crossing his arms as they stood in the foyer.

“I—I don’t know,” Jean exclaimed, “I just, a lot of stuff is happening and I need you to be a lot more specific.”

Eren backed off for a second, examining Jean’s face for a second before scowling, “Who are you?”

“What?” Jean looked affronted by his question, “What do you mean?”

“I mean I don’t know you. This isn’t the you that I was introduced to weeks ago. So which are you?” Eren leaned in, not breaking eye contact with Jean.

“Things aren’t that black-and-white, Eren.” Jean didn’t back off either, his height allowing him to stand over Eren a bit, “Have you ever considered that maybe things are hard for me and I just need some understanding on your part?”

Eren flinched, his eyes glassy as his expression softened, “Are you serious? What am I to you, exactly?” Jean didn’t answer, he was absolutely still, “Answer me, what the hell am I? Your lover? Friend? Do I mean anything at all to you?”

“Of course you—“ Jean started, but Eren interrupted him

“Marco.” Eren said quietly, so quiet that he wasn’t sure if Jean heard until Jean’s face froze and twisted into a painful expression, “Who is Marco?”

Jean didn’t say anything, it was as if Eren’s words had paralyzed him.

Eren just sighed as he opened the door, “If you’re not going to say anything, then leave.”

Jean stood where he was, a mixed expression on his face and an uncertainty about him. Eren maintained his position, making it clear that his point stood, this time Jean couldn’t talk his way out of this one, Eren wouldn’t let him. He didn’t make a sound, his breathing was light as his eyes stared at the ground as if the answer would surface on the hardwood.

“Marco Bodt.” Jean nearly whispered as if straining his voice to make the sound come out, “He is, no, he _was_ my soulmate.” He looked up at Eren when he said it, his eyes shiny under the white hallway light. Eren felt locked in Jean’s gaze, he wasn’t sure what to say, or where to even begin.


	6. Remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is really just a filler until I finish up the next one. I've been debating writing this, but since I'm not sure when the next chapter will be done (hopefully soon) I decided to go through with it. This chapter is a sort of flashback so the time passage is not linear and the events jump a bit, apologies. I hope it makes sense anyway, thank you for your patience I'll finish the next chapter asap!

“Yet if you should forget me for a while

And afterwards remember, do not grieve:

For if the darkness and corruption leave

A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,

Better by far you should forget and smile

Than that you should remember and be sad.”

-          Christina Rossetti

Chapter 6

 

Jean had said he’d wear a red tie so that he’d be easier to spot, despite the fact that his face was visible on his profile. The space was crowded, lights dim as bodies stuck together despite the unusual heat. Jean was visible in the crowd, making his way past the rush of people and heading for a seat in the dining area.

“Marco,” Jean called as he sat across from him. Marco merely nodding, unsure as to what to say, or even where to begin, “Hey I’m Jean.”

“I can tell from the tie.” Marco nearly whispered and Jean leaned in closer, “I said I can tell from the tie.” Marco felt his cheeks warm as he repeated his response. It was much funnier in his head than when he said it out loud, but Jean laughed anyway.

“Yeah I always worry about going to bars to meet people they’re always so crowded.” Jean said as he seemed to scope the place.

“This is probably above the legal limit.” Marco replied, before biting his lip and asking himself why he was such a boring person with nothing interesting to contribute. After all, what was anyone supposed to say to that?

Jean turned to look at him for a second before laughing, “It’s a definite fire hazard, we should evacuate immediately.”

Marco smiled, feeling his cheeks stretch as he retorted, “Yeah I can barely hear you. Let’s head somewhere else.” He felt his heart pound in his ears, or maybe it was the heavy bass in the background, but either way there was adrenaline rushing through him.

“I’m going deaf, you’re going to have to lead the way.” Jean called as he stood up. Marco made his way out with Jean trailing right behind him. He knew because Jean kept stepping on the back of Marco’s shoes every once in a while and he thought he heard a small “sorry” each time.

Once they got out the door and light of the city illuminated them, Marco turned to face Jean, “So where to?”

Jean didn’t say anything for a second and just looked at him. Marco frowned, wondering if there was something on his face or in his hair before Jean sighed, “I’m sorry it’s just, I didn’t get to see you so well in there, it was really dark and all.”

Marco felt his face flush and he felt blindsided by how attractive Jean looked in that moment. He could see the shine of Jean’s sandy hair, a few stray strands sticking out from the otherwise perfect flow of hair. The angles of his jaw were complementary to the small smile forming on his face as Marco saw his eyes tracing his features in the very same way.

“It’s so weird, it’s like I’ve known you all my life.” Jean’s voice was low but was crisp in the chilly night air.

“Well technically speaking, you have.” Marco smiled, “you know me, and I know you.”

Jean burst out laughing and Marco inhaled sharply. Jean was bent over holding his stomach as if his insides would burst from laughter. He looked up and saw Marco’s flustered face. He straightened his spine and looked up seriously at him, “hey sorry, no, you’re right, you are. Why don’t we go for dinner? It’s freezing out here.”

Marco smiled, “you’re right though, you can’t really know a person, especially since we really only just met.”

Jean scowled as if thinking it over, “You are my soulmate, right?” his eyes were a darker brown than his hair, but still shimmered as they stared up at Marco.

“I think so,” He looked up and closed his eyes, immersing himself in the dreams they shared. He thought back to last night, the images that greeted him as he fell asleep. “That worn down table, the wooden one with the scratched edges. You’re sitting there, in that matching chair. Hm, it’s also old, but still sturdy. The room is lit by the window, it’s open and you complain that its too cold.

“Is that proof enough?” Marco smiled as he opened his eyes. He looked back at Jean, and his face was stunned, his mouth slightly open and his eyes wide.

His mouth snapped shut and he inhaled before he replied, “Let’s go eat, I’m starving,”, turned on his heels and began walking down the street. Marco just laughed as he followed intently.

 

The city had quiteted down significantly once they left the restaurant. It was well into the morning when they finally left. The conversation had just carried so strongly through the meal, Marco was practically swept away. They continued chatting, guided by the light of traffic lights which they ignored peacefully in the absence of anyone else, sans the occasional night wanderer or group of teenagers. With Jean right next to his ear, Marco didn’t even hear the echo of their laughter between the dark, hollow buildings. His senses were acutely tuned to Jean, the pace of his steps, the words he spoke so vividly. The dreams were always lacking in clarity, which he felt he could fully appreciate in person. Jean’s presence was so clear, so definitive and within reach, while in their dreams he could feel the distance more than the person. He just wanted to reach over and hold that face he had longed to touch for so long, so much so that he didn’t notice his cold hand cupping Jean’s cheek until Jean stopped and Marco felt a warmth under his fingertips.

“Oh my god, I’m sorry, I just—“ Marco began to retract his hand but Jean held it in place.

“No, I understand.” He reached over and touched Marco’s cheek, “I know.”

They stood still, unmoving for only a second before they both dropped their hands and continued walking.

“I wonder if this means I’ll see you clearer now.” Marco sighed.

“Why does it matter? We can see each other now, like actually see each other in the flesh instead of some hazy dream.”

“You’re right, I just can’t wrap my head around it I’m so happy that I finally found you.”

Jean chuckled, “Me too. I want to see you tonight, clearly. I want to see your face when I close my eyes.”

They continued walking, their fingers brushing against each other as they went. The rest of the night, Marco listened to Jean’s breath, deep and controlled as it condensed in the cold air and formed a mist around his face. He found himself syncing his breathing with Jean’s, inhaling his scent along the way.

 

Day was breaking by the time Marco fell onto his bed and felt his body heave a sigh of intense relief. He had never stayed up that late, let alone walked that far for so long. He was never athletic, but spending the time with Jean made him lose his sense of time and fatigue. He thought for a moment, how it would be less harmful to his sleep schedule to just postpone sleep until the next night, but he was so anxious to see Jean again that he allowed himself to sink into his matress and sleep.

White fluorescent light washed over his sight before darkness filled in the space and Marco could finally see the bulbs flash. He made sense of the lights as they formed signs to businesses though he could not read them. The continued to pass him, though he was immobile apart from turning his head slightly, trying to make sense of what he was seeing. There was a stoplight in the distance that was blinking red and he stopped to stare at it blink in the pitch darkness. His eyes shifted down andacross the street he saw Jean. He was definitely more defined than the night before, his face more visible and even his outfit the same as what he was wearing when they met earlier. Jean smiled, and Marco felt a tug at his heart. He felt an invisible barrier as he took a small step forward, his foot on the edge of the curb.

He kept his eyes on Jean, feeling a tug as he stepped onto the empty street. His face became more clear as he approached him, a clarity transfixed in his mind as he felt as though the rest of the world were crumbling apart. The buildings around him seemed to fade, the lights, the stoplight all disappeared as Marco took another step on the gravel. He reached his hand out, closing the distance between them before he saw a pair of lights obstruct his view, and he lost all sight and darkness washed over him.

It filled his lungs, the air escaping as he felt a burning in his throat. Everything was burning as he realized he could not move. He couldn’t tell if his eyes were open but he saw Jean. He saw the green grass and the sun shining through the window of Jean’s childhood home. Jean stood as he was before, but still out of reach to Marco. He felt himself sinking in the pitch black dirt as the sun’s light intensified, and in that moment they both seemed the same to him, blinding.


End file.
